To All the Bitches Out There…

Lately, I’ve been Internet Dating. And by that, I mean I’ve been dating the internet — last night, I totally fingered Yahoo. I almost banged Google, but you know how hard it is to fit a penis into a USB port?

Okay, that’s goofy, but in a way, it sums up my frustration with ‘dating’ in LA. It seems like nowadays, with the quasi-intimacy of facebook, ichat, and skype, all I do is have cyber-relationship where my ‘date’ and I message each other, watch the same youtube clips, and send each other emoticon’ed exclamations.

Pretty soon, it’s gonna be animated flowers and long e-walks on the Laguna Beach website. Will a woman be happy with a cartoon engagement ring?

Whatever the case may be, getting face-to-face with someone you haven’t thoroughly cyber-stalked is a rarity. Even when a date is set up, something invariably happens. Los Angeles seems to be the only town in the world where “Oh, I flaked!” serves as a legitimate excuse as to why someone shows up late or not at all.

All that aside, that’s not the REAL problem. The real problem in LA is the actual date. The reason these dates are usually awful is because they involve WOMEN.

Okay, that’s not really fair. The truth is men and women want completely different things out here from the start. Women will want to date a guy multiple times, and if it really goes well, they will then want to f@#k. Men will want to f@#k a girl multiple times, and if it really goes well, they will then want to date. And therein lies the rub.

Because women are testing both our ‘wallets’ and our personalities, they will want us to take them on a fancy dinner where they can ask us stupid questions at our financial and personal expense.

How do I know this? Because I’ve been dating in LA! So the following list is, mostly, for the ladies. Just a quick mirror up to, what I find to be, pretty shittastic behavior.

So, without further adieu, here are the TOP 10 WORSE QUESTIONS women ask men on FIRST DATES based on my personal experience since moving here in February (note — this doesn’t represent 10 first dates, some of these inanities were asked on the same date):

10.“How many women have you slept with?” While it is a valid question if you are out with a drug-using sex worker, it never does any good, and you will never get the truth. Whatever answer I tell you guys, double it. If the guy is wearing an Affliction t-shirt, triple it and add Herpes. If he’s Persian, you probably already have Herpes.

9.“What do you think of me?” and it’s retarded step-sister “Are you having a good time?” Hello, needygirl.com! Just assume he likes you and he’s doing swell! He won’t tell you anything bad, so it’s a pseudo-question that is really just you desperately fishing for compliments. Ask him if he thinks your jeans make you look fat while you’re at it.

8.“Do you believe in God?” At some point it might be nice to know if he is a high priest in a Satanic cult or a … shudder… Scientologist…. but save it for now. It’s an argument in the making. Worse still, a boring argument that won’t result in great hate sex.

7.“Do you like children?” Do I really need to explain why? Guys are still trying to decide how much booze they need to imbibe to get the courage to make a move on you. The idea that their buzzing sperm could result in a child should be avoided for at least… well, forever.

6.“What happened with your last girlfriend?” I killed her for asking annoying questions.

5. “Have you ever fooled around with a man?” Thanks for calling me gay!

4. “Do you believe in love at first sight?/Do you believe in fate?/ Do you believe in destiny?” Run for the goddamned hills if any of these are ever asked! I get the chills just writing it.

3. “What are you thinking?” Any guy who has had a long-term relationship before has 47 Samsonites full of luggage they carry around with them revolving around this loaded question. Stay away from it unless you want to witness him have a PTSD nam-style flashback or seizure.

2. “What type of car do you drive?” OK — guys: if, on the off-chance, you didn’t pick the girl up and she actually asks this, you are allowed only one feasible response and that is: “Oh, I have a black rape-van.” When she says, “Whaaaat?” Your response is “Sorry, a black non-consensual-sex van. The ladder in the back is to get a better view of playgrounds.” From now on, that’s the answer. Okay, guys?

1. “Do you ever want to get married?” Combine all of the horribleness of the above questions to form the ultimate first-date cockblocker on the planet. I’d rather hear about your yoga class and your kooky cats than to field that quagmire of a question.

When all is said and done, I’ve been trying to stick with my motto, which is BE MYSELF.

And yes, sometimes that is sort of vulgar and offensive, which can be a turn-off to some bitches.

And YES, when I pull up in my busted-up Honda that sounds like drunks midgets are fucking in the engine, I find that sometimes women in LA find that “Myself” apparently isn’t good enough to bring home to mama.

But that’s okay with me.

I think I’m gonna hold out for a non-gold-digger who can appreciate a car with character and a good old-fashioned fart joke.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, November 18th, 2009 at 3:45 pm and is filed under All blog entries. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.