A few years ago, my friend Jamie Kennedy made a cool documentary called “Heckler.” One of the major tenets of the movie is that the internet has basically become a conduit for hateful Asperger’s syndrome-y misanthropes to biliously and anonymously trash comics/writers/actors/filmmakers from the safety of their mom’s basement.

There IS a certain sanctity in the form of “heckle” where you have the ability to confront your nemesis. For example, if you’re performing in Tennessee and some fat drunk in the back yells “You suck!”, you can say something clever in return like “I don’t go to where you work and knock the cock out of your mouth!” which, in turn, might make the redneck next to that person say something like “Don’t you talk to my sister like that, you son of a bitch!” at which point you could say something erudite such as “Sorry if I offended your girlfriend, you toothless bucket of rancid trailer meat!”

It’s not an IDEAL set, by any stretch of the imagination, but it’s real and visceral and very present whenever a heckle happens live and in person. However, the brand of critique bred by the internet most closely resembles the splenetic scrawlings of public-bathroom-crappers who etch their hatred into walls for any and all anonymous future crappers. Hateful and pointless.

Even if you can accept the fact that many critics feel that their role as a social arbiter helps steer the cultural dialogue in a more positive direction, I’m hard pressed to find the reason why some e-critique would call Jamie Kennedy “a rape baby” based on one of his movies.

Beyond this, it is no small coincidence that the dipshit calling him a “rape baby” is at his Mac, not in his face.

Recently, I found myself attacked in much the same way: personally, unprovoked, and without the capability of being able to punch him in the face holes. He remained and remains an Internet Cipher… well, until I found him on Facebook….

As a gmail email account holder (don’t be jealous, people), Google has been trying to push different social networking opportunities on me. First they inundated me with Google Wave (pun alert!) and recently, without asking, they made me a member of Google Buzz.

I noticed that about 8 or 9 friends of mine were on Google Buzz, but I never thought about it. It just seemed like it wasn’t getting any traction as a “social networking” tool.

So, I wrote the following fake letter for my Google Buzz friends to see:

“Dear Google Buzz,

I’m sorry that you have failed.

Nobody really gives a shit about you, Google Buzz. They just don’t. I don’t know why, but the whole Buzz thing isn’t working. My advice would be to stick with your day job, Google. Buzz? It’s like giving Clay Aiken a hip, spiky hairdo — he’s still a gay hick.

Just stick to being Google, dude! I mean you’re already a fucking verb, bro, don’t overreach. A verb. Stop and smell the e-roses I guess is my point.

Bill

1 person liked this - Chris Griffin”

Oh well, 1 person, my friend Chris Griffin, liked it. I only had a few friends so any response was fine.

However, an employee of “Google Buzz” named Corey Russell somehow had access to my Buzz (creepy as shit) and wrote the following:

“Corey Russell:

Google Buzz actually has nothing to do with Google Wave FYI. Also, the slang ‘improper’ use of the word google is actually a verb, but the proper usage of the word Google, is a noun. But be ignorant if you want, bro.”

Uh… who is this guy and how/why the fuck is he reading what I wrote to my friends on Google Buzz? I decided to pursue a bit further…

“Bill Dawes:

“Bro”…. no shit Google is a noun. A proper noun, at that. You can even use it for Scrabble now!

I just meant to say that it’s so huge it has actually become a verb. I was making a joke. Basically saying you’re like the “Kleenex” to every other search engine’s “facial tissue.” I mean, I would die happy if people said, “I Bill Dawes’d this girl last night…”

If you didn’t get that joke, then you need a humor chip lodged into your cerebellum… and please don’t come back and tell me the cerebellum isn’t the “proper” part of the brain responsible for discerning the nature of funny.

p.s. I know I have two NAZI references in these messages, but I assure you some of my best friends are black.”

“Corey Russell:

Facebook is okay, and so is twitter, but this is our approach at Google. Nothing wrong with trying! We’re not successful yet, but soon it will be.

Maybe you should educate yourself a bit more for what Google Buzz is before you talk about it.” (and then he posted a link to some great article about the wonders of Google Buzz)

Oh, and as a side note. I have invites left for Google Wave. I’d be more than happy to give you one so you could try it out, bro.

“Bill Dawes:

Bro again?  Really?

Honestly, I can’t wait to NOT try Google Wave. Please send me the invite so I can proceed to NOT open it!

And the link to the Google Buzz info is irrelevant. I think the name “Google Buzz” is the problem. It’s like “I went drinking at an internet cafe and got a total Google Buzz!” Eh.

Bill”

“Corey Russell:

Wow, that’s stupid. What is your argument? You state that you want Google to stay the same, but then in the next sentence, you also told it not to be another Hitler. Well… Which is it, you idiot?!”

“Bill Dawes:

Before we go any further and I get mad…. Do you have Aspergers? It ties into the humor chip question. I’m seriously asking.”

“Corey Russell:

Jesus, the point I was trying to make is, you need to actually give something like this a shot before you start to compare it to ‘Facebook’, or ‘Twitter’.

Google Buzz is not meant to be, in any way shape or form, another twitter. I agree that Google is kind of monopolizing the whole entire internet as we know it, but they’re only doing this because they want to make the internet a better place for receiving and sharing information. There is nothing evil about that. (By the way, thats what Google Buzz is for. Not posting 160 character ‘I just took a shit’ posts.)

As far as the whole Google being a verb joke. That was stupid. Wasn’t funny, and just made you look like an uneducated prick. You seem to be quite insistent that I get some chip implanted in my brain to help me recognize your shitty, non-humourous jokes. Why should I? So I can be just like you? Wow, my life dream. You’ve discovered it. Congrats mate. Maybe you should just focus on getting your very own brain, asshole!”

NOW: If you notice, Corey Russell has called me an “uneducated prick,” an “idiot,” and “an asshole.” It seems to me that he’s not really getting my humor….

So I decide to redouble my efforts in the yuk-yuk department.

“Bill Dawes:

You’re right, scratch the humor chip implant. That was dumb. YOU need to get off the computer and get laid.

Calling me an “uneducated prick” for saying Google is a “verb” doesn’t even make sense, Corey Russell. I’m not even sure why your panties keep twisting up into your balloon knot over that one. I mean, were you molested by a “verb” as a young child? Was your Priest’s name a verb?

I mean, I simply say “Hey Google, you’re a verb,” and you go, “HOW THE FUCK DARE YOU CALL GOOGLE A VERB! GOOGLE IS A FUCKING NOUN GODDAMMIT! YOU IGNORANT MOTHERFUCKER! AHHHHH! IF WE WERE IN A VIRTUAL FANTASY WORLD LIKE ‘WORLD OF WARCRAFT’ I WOULD FUCKING SMITE YOU WITH THE SWORD OF 1000 DEATHS! YOU MAKE ME SO GODDAMN ANGRY, HUMAN!!!!!”

Bill Dawes”

“Corey Russell:

Mr. Dawes, you are once again showing me how completely stupid you are. You are taking this discussion way too seriously. You can’t come up with an argument, and assume I live in a fantasy world and play ‘world of warcraft’. Never once touched the game! In fact, I don’t even really like video games that much! Way to go buddy! Judging someone that you haven’t even met!

I’ll have you know that most of my time is spent with multiple friends, and actually working to earn my money and not leaching off of my parents like you do! See how that sounds when I throw out an assumption based on the little information I actually know about you? Pretty stupid right? Ha!

You seem like an uneducated fool, and unless you can come up with an actual argument that makes sense, you shouldn’t talk. As far as the comments about my father never loving me… really brilliant. Trust me, he loves me! Wow, you’ve really tugged on my emotional strings…How will I ever recover!?

And, oh yeah, shut the fuck up. ;)”

OKAY, clearly my attempt at humor failed. It felt sort of like my first 2 years of comedy.

What do I do? Give up? Try a different tack?

I decide to take the high road….

“Bill Dawes:

The reality is, people use the internet mostly to find creative ways to jerk off. Don’t get mad at me! Get mad at God. He gave us pee-pees and boy, do we love to show them to strangers! (p.s. enjoy the attachment on this email. I gotta admit, the angle is flattering!)

That’s why I think, next time at a board meeting, you should pitch “Google Jerk.”

Honestly, I don’t want money for the idea. Like everyone at Google, I’m not remotely interested in money. I just really want the internet to be a better place for receiving and sharing information.

Call me and let me bitch slap like the bitch you are. I’m waiting…”

Alas, Corey never called. And he blocked me on Facebook.  Awwww….Oh well….

Shortly after, I got an email of “sincere apology” from an executive at Google, saying that Corey’s actions were grounds for dismissal. I told him that Corey shouldn’t be fired because, in fact, I got a blog out of it.

Plus, I told the guy, Google Buzz fucking blows, it’d only be doing him a favor.

This entry was posted on Thursday, April 8th, 2010 at 6:55 am and is filed under All blog entries. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.